On the day we are born, we are blank slates and vulnerable to the world. We become the masterpiece of others. Whether we like it or not, we soak up just about everything and it plays a substantial role within our existence.
For me, I embodied a lot of my mother and sadly that terrified me. Due to this worry, I’ve been dedicated to creating a life that truly represents me. For years, I’ve been empowered to develop the best version of myself as humanly possible. I prevail each day and I’m happy to say that I’m comfortable with who I am and I’m excited to discover more of what’s in store.
If you know me on a personal level, then you’re aware of my dedication to my work. In fact, because of it, I’ve probably let some of you down. The problem is I get so wrapped up in this demand of my expectations for accomplishments that I forget to live. Please know if I have ever disappointed you regarding this manner, that I am truly sorry. By no means do I intend on neglecting you. I love you all very much and am working hard to resolve this internal drama.
To be honest, it’s an insecurity I have, a fear-ridden obligation that demands a lot from me and I worry of the day on my passing. I worry about the guilt I will face for not truly living my life. This is something I never want to experience! Life is too short. Like wow. It’s sad how little time we truly have here.
It’s been an uphill battle and if ignored, I end up feeling stuck. I just can’t seem to gain the energy to do anything except to lounge around in my pj’s, and snuggle up with my cat to some hopeless romantic comedy. Sure, you may think that’s normal but it’s as if I literally cannot move. Like I am forced to chill out and the only effort I can make is how deep of an imprint I put into the couch as I melt away. However, the moment I come to terms with this forced relaxation, anxiety seems to creep up and plummet through me.
“You’ll never be successful, you’re a fuck up and no one will ever marry you!” Yup! That’s the voice of my mother, and it rumbles within me every time I put down my work or when I am not progressing as quickly as I like.
The guilt churns my stomach; and at that moment, I’m bought. I look my precious cat in her big green eyes and apologize with a big kiss, placing her back on the ground. Exhausted, lacking any confidence and emotionally distraught I head back to my work.
This is such a mistake! I feel so confined by these beliefs my ignorant mother placed on me, that I can’t enjoy my life. Even when she’s not in the back of my head, society and its demands on ones accomplishments have no problem stepping in! This is so cruel and crippling to the soul. I shouldn’t feel guilty for this. I ought to enjoy my days, no matter where I am in life.
There was one thing that became apparent. I knew that if I didn’t fix this belief ingrained within me, no amount of success would make me happy. I would find myself stuck, rotating in this cycle of work with little to no engagement in life, lacking any satisfaction for my efforts. No exploration. No happiness. No reward. I had to do something about this immediately.
I’ve dedicated years on this issue and to aid in the development I wrote a personal quote to empower me. “In order to enjoy the success, one must enjoy the struggle”. Like a mantra, I meditate on it over and over again and focus on all that I have accomplished and find gratitude in that. With my eyes sealed tightly, I imagine an eraser removing all of the foul beliefs painted by my mother, and purer than ever before, a blank white canvas for me to paint whatever I choose. I repeat, “In order to enjoy the success, one must enjoy the struggle. I am the artist of my life. I choose what I want to enter into my realm and you will have no control over me! I am successful! I am worthy! I am happy! Be gone! Leave my body, your time here is done!”
Through this mental dedication of rewriting my thinking, I’ve strengthened myself. I’ve had to take baby steps and that’s ok but I finally feel a little better during the moments I’m away from my work. I go out more, have a few drinks, stay up late, take risks, go to Burning Man and engage in heartfelt conversations. I try and put less pressure on myself, enjoy each moment, find love in the little things, and most importantly, understanding the value of producing a balanced lifestyle.
As infants, children and even adults we’re easily at the hands of others. Open your consciousness and understand this important fact; it’s up to you to fix yourself, in order to find yourself, and then you can free yourself. Discover what makes you happy. Only believe in things that celebrate you. And most importantly, love. Love with no measure. Love freely. Love purely. Love yourself and if there are things you don’t love about yourself, remember it was never you to begin with. So put a little effort and discover the truth in which you are. The reward is worth it. I promise.
Love you all,